(6 min read)
Every February, the tone of the internet changes.
Messages become warmer, more personal, and a bit more flattering.
You receive a LinkedIn request from someone with a shared interest along with a message saying, “You seem interesting.” Their profile appears normal enough at first glance.
And somewhere along the way, there’s a link.
Romance scams don’t start with money; they start with attention.
That’s why they are effective.
It’s not about intelligence
Many people think the victims are naïve, but that's a lazy assumption.
Romance scams succeed because they follow a very human pattern: they build familiarity, create connection, and introduce a small request.
If you’ve ever replied quickly to someone who seemed genuine, you’ll understand how this works. It is not about being reckless; it is about being human.
How it actually unfolds
It usually starts slowly. A few messages, shared interests, and small personal details. The scammer mirrors you. They share your hobbies, background, and maybe even similar frustrations about work. You notice it feels easy.
That’s liking in action. We trust people who feel familiar, and it happens automatically.
Then, a shift occurs. They share something personal, for example, a difficult situation or a problem they’re facing. It feels vulnerable.
When someone opens up to us, we feel a quiet pressure to respond in kind. That’s reciprocity, a social rule most of us follow without thinking.
The request doesn’t seem outrageous.
“Can you help me with something small?”
“Can you move to this private platform?”
“Can you click this link?”
By this time, it doesn’t feel like a scam, it feels like helping.
The part people don’t talk about
By the time money is involved, the emotional investment is already there. Time has been spent, messages exchanged, and maybe photos shared or future plans discussed.
Walking away means admitting something feels wrong.
Psychologists call this commitment bias. Once we’ve invested, we want our earlier choices to make sense, so we lean in, instead of stepping back, because it feels uncomfortable to change course.
Scammers are very much aware of that.
This isn’t just about dating apps
By the way, the same pattern appears at work.
A supplier email that feels routine, a senior colleague asking for something “quickly,” or a message that sounds just familiar enough. In this case the hook isn’t romance; it’s familiarity and urgency.
Someone builds credibility; they create a sense of connection or urgency. Then they prompt action.
At work, the hook might be authority or time pressure. In romance scams, it’s intimacy and emotional closeness. They’re different contexts, but the same human instincts.
And that’s where the misunderstanding begins. Because when we look back at a romance scam or a workplace incident, the advice is often the same: “Be more careful.”
Why “be careful” doesn’t fix it
In romance scams, friends often say afterwards, “Surely there were red flags”, or “You should have noticed.”
But that misses the point.
By the time someone is emotionally invested, caution simply isn’t relevant to them. The interaction doesn’t feel suspicious, it feels personal. It feels hopeful. It feels real.
When someone is busy, lonely, flattered, or trying to be supportive, simply “paying attention” won’t override instinct.
You might recongise it in a work environment: the dynamic is similar. “Be more careful” is not very useful. Awareness alone doesn’t cancel out psychology.
Secure behaviour is more likely when:
- Pausing feels normal,
- Double-checking isn’t awkward,
- And reporting something odd doesn’t feel embarrassing.
That’s about culture and habits, not just caution.
What makes a real difference
You don’t need to make people cynical; you need them to recognize their feelings.
That small lift in mood when someone flatters you, that slight pressure when someone says they’re in a bind, that subtle rush to respond quickly.
When people can identify emotions, they can pause before reacting. It’s a simple shift, not dramatic or technical.
But it works.
Final thought
Romance scams don’t exploit stupidity, they exploit connection, empathy, and our natural desire to believe someone who makes us feel seen.
The goal isn’t to make people cynical. It’s to make pausing feel normal, especially when something feels flattering, urgent, or emotionally charged.
If a message makes you feel special, needed, or quietly obligated this month, take a moment. Not because you’re suspicious, but rather because you’re human.
A reasonable next step
Romance scams work because they follow predictable behavioural patterns.
The good news? Those patterns can be recognised.
Training grounded in behavioural science helps people spot the emotional cues, the flattery, the urgency, the small escalating requests, before they turn into financial loss or security incidents.
That’s what Psybersafe focuses on.
No fear.
No blame.
Just practical shifts that become habits.
If you’d like to strengthen the human side of your cyber resilience, at work or beyond it, get in touch or sign up for our newsletter for straightforward insights that actually stick.
Mark Brown is a behavioural science expert with significant experience in inspiring organisational and culture change that lasts. If you’d like to chat about using Psybersafe in your business to help to stay cyber secure, contact Mark today.